'Scene: A firelit cave on the Iberian peninsula, 30,000 years ago'

Recent studies of Neanderthal DNA seemed to indicate that the long-extinct hominids were perfectly capable of speech, but it remained a mystery precisely what, if anything, Neanderthals had to say to each other. Now, thanks to extensive computer-modelling, it is possible to reproduce a transcript of an actual Neanderthal conversation:

SCENE: A cave on the Iberian peninsula, approximately 30,000 years ago.

Neanderthal Woman: So, what do you think of the way I've chewed off my hair?

Neanderthal Man: Hrrrmphhh.

Neanderthal Woman: Please don't grunt. Anyone would think you lacked the fine motor control necessary for complex vocalisation.

Neanderthal Man: Sorry. I think it looks nice.

Neanderthal Woman: It doesn't make my brow ridge look too prominent?

Neanderthal Man: No.

Neanderthal Woman: You're not even looking!

Neanderthal Man: I'm trying to butcher this bison, like you asked.

Neanderthal Woman: And how long is that going to take? You've been at it for hours!

Neanderthal Man: I don't have the right tools.

Neanderthal Woman: Maybe I should get a man in. Someone who knows how to knap flint properly.

Neanderthal Man: [Sighs] I'm nearly done.

Neanderthal Woman: I hope so. We've got next door coming for dinner tonight.

Neanderthal Man: Oh, God - not the Cro-Magnons.

Neanderthal Woman: Please don't call them that. They're homo sapiens. Anyway, what's wrong with them? They're very good company. Very sophisticated.

Neanderthal Man: All their weird ideas about food. A little bit of this, a little of that, have you got any edible leaves ...

Neanderthal Woman: Would it hurt you to eat a more varied diet? A few grains once in a while, fish?

Neanderthal Man: When am I going to get time to go fishing? I was four days and nights stalking this bison!

Neanderthal Woman: I was there, remember? I'm the one who stabbed it in the eye. Her next door, she stays home weaving woollen garments while he goes hunting. I want you to wear that top tonight, by the way, the one she gave you.

Neanderthal Man: It's too hot for wool. I'm sweating as it is, and it's supposed to be winter. You know, at this rate, we'll be ...

Neanderthal Woman: Here we go - "The planet's heating up! We'll all perish!" What's put you in such a foul mood all of a sudden?

Neanderthal Man: [After a pause] I had my assessment at work today.

Neanderthal Woman: What did they say?

Neanderthal Man: They said I was "insufficiently adaptable".

Neanderthal Woman: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Neanderthal Man: It means that - surprise! - Larry is the new supervisor, and I'm on probation.

Neanderthal Woman: I wish you'd stop comparing yourself to Larry. He's only human, after all.

Neanderthal Man: He's taller than me, he has a higher forehead. Everyone likes Larry.

Neanderthal Woman: It's not about everyone liking Larry, or "Oh, doesn't Larry do lovely drawings." It's about accepting yourself for who you are.

Neanderthal Man: I just feel as if I'm not evolving.

Neanderthal Woman: Look - each day is a gift. If you make it to sundown without becoming susceptible to a new disease or having to eat a close relative, you should be thankful.

Neanderthal Man: I guess you're right. [Dies out]

Neanderthal Woman: Absolutely effing typical. He knew we had people coming round.